I long for a simpler time, when I knew what I wanted and how I felt. When my plans and ambitions were solid, concrete. When what I felt was strong and stable. When options didn't exist beyond two or three. When the future was one road, not thousands. When I got excited, had crushes, felt sad, got angry. When bitterness wasn't something to hold onto for emotions' sake. When specialization was only a word to spell. When all scientists did the same thing. When everything was obvious. When this was right and that was not.
Things are complex now. I can't even figure out what it is I aspire to be. Or whether I want to be with someone, much less who that is. The people in the game of LIFE have it easy - the spin of the wheel determines everything. It's tough when you get to pick the card. "What do you want?" they say. But I don't have an answer. And I refuse to let the major decisions of my life be things that you just do - there's got to be something deeper. If love is just a choice, I want no part in it. I want a vocation that I'm made for, not one I settle into. Where's fate to tell me what to do?
I play my music on shuffle. I use Pandora. Which is closest? What haven't I tried? What makes sense?
I need passion. I need to know what I want.
Do you ever wish someone or something could, like LIFE, just assign you a career, an issue to fight for, and a person to share your life with? Even if it's just, "you're destined for a life of solitary, celibate homelessness!" At least, then, you could know, and not be hindered by all the choices, the what-ifs, the figuring things out, the pressure. If you have an assignment, you just do it. It's, "as much as I'd like to write a paper on Whistler, I guess I have to write about Rembrandt instead," or, "though I'd prefer chicken, the cafeteria is serving beef, so that's what I'll eat." Simple. There's an empowering sense of nobility that comes with pursuing a fated purpose; somehow, with the knowledge of a calling, it's so much easier to discard preferences, loves, desires, emotions "for the greater good." But no.
ReplyDelete(All that to say that I completely feel your frustrations, and while I would never wish this on you, the human part of me is a little relieved that you know, too.)